[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
You Might Also Like
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Whoa… oh I see lol
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time