Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
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Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.