I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
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[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Cool shirt 🙂
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
How can I say no to this ?
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.