One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
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*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds