If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
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Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?