My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
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him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
oh good, now I can stop drinking
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.