I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
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[eulogy]
line?
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
handsome & gretel
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.