BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
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No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
October already? What’s next? November????
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
plant them where lol
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time