[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
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A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils