[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
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People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Morning my dudes.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit