Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
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Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
#SCOTUS one-star review
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”