I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
You Might Also Like
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell