My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
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There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Breaking news:
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
incredible
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree