Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
You Might Also Like
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
A choir of Spring onions
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
I’m not proud
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.