ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
You Might Also Like
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Me irl
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.