FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
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Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
#Caturday
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.