What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
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Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
When I laugh on my period
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.