School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
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[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
beware of dog
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks