Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
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Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older