My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
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One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
this is the best interaction on twitter
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore