i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
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Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!