[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
You Might Also Like
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Why am I like this?
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.