Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
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God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room