GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
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Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from