Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
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All of my best ideas involve jail time.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.