scared to check what name she chose
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(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
🤣🤣
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.