Finally a use for spoilers…
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I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.