*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
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I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
#JohnTravolta
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
How it started: How it’s going:
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.