(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
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4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
January is lasting longer than my marriage
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
christening a ship with an overripe banana