Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
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Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”