wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
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4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?