Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
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It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
Bro what is this
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.