Ok, but like, how married are you?
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You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.