me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
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I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”