Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
You Might Also Like
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.