“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
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Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
True.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
Nomnomnomnom
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.