The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
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C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot