She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
You Might Also Like
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*