Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
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[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
#Caturday
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.