When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
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Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Warm pools make me nervous.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Your secret is safeish with me
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy