When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
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Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people