I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
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My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY