every raccoon you see is currently on parole
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Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
How times have changed.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
For the ones in the back.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend