HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
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*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Ion see the issue
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Guys, I found it.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?