[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
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What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Me :
All Day At Night
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.