Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
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I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen