Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
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[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????