Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
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Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
*pronounces fake like saké*
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*