My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
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WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
i baked you a cake
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane