I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
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If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Eat…
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.